On Support

Bridges need support too!! :P (photo by Kara Haberstock, all rights reserved)

This last week has taught me a lot about the immeasurable value of support.

My anxiety disorder decided to display itself in full force this week, probably more severely than it ever has. Panic attacks came everyday. I had trouble sleeping and near-constant nausea. Eating was a struggle. Small tasks could reduce me to tears, and prolonged social exposure could be overwhelming. I was not at all a "fun" person to be with. But through all of this, Nate supported me, in just about every meaning of the word. And I learned a great deal about the incredible benefits of partnership and the support that comes with it.

According to Merriam-Webster,"support" can mean the following:

1. to endure bravely or quietly2. to assist or help3. to pay the costs of
4. to hold up
5. to keep from losing courage
6. to keep (something) going

And support took all of these meanings this week.

Nate sat with me on the floor of my bedroom, in the corner of the bathroom, and in the car in the dark, quietly holding my hand until the tears and the shaking subsided. He made me food and convinced me to eat when I didn't want to.  He prayed with me and for me, listened as I tried to verbalize what might be causing my anxiety to flare up like this, and told me I wasn't crazy or defective, that this wasn't my fault or my choice. He reviewed applications before I submitted them and reminded me that it's perfectly okay if I'm not accepted, that it's more than fine to take a year off, and that what I do next year in no way defines me.He served as a buffer with friends and family when social interaction got to be too much. He was patient with my changing moods and general unpredictability. And now we're going through the process of finding a therapist for me together. 

It wasn't very much fun to need support. I hated the fact that my mood was so volatile, that seemingly anything could trigger a surge of adrenaline and fear, that even simple tasks could seem like too much. I hated feeling like a different person. And I'm terrified that this all could happen again. But this I do know: I have support. Nate and I are a team; we support each other. We're all in. And that is a source of comfort and strength.

P.S.  

1. The American Psychological Association has some great resources concerning anxiety/panic disorders if you'd like to know more.

2. This APW post is one of my favorites about panic attacks and marriage

3. If anyone can recommend good therapists in Tucson, I am still in the search process and would love a recommendation!

Cooking Creatively

I have finally accepted that I am becoming one of those crazy-diet people. Not in the crash-diets, only-eat-cabbage-and-protein-shakes, scarily-unhealthy diets way, but in the I-can't-believe-you-don't-eat-that, how-do-you-survive kind of way.

Crazy-diet people used to scare me. Vegetarian- you mean you don't eat meat? Ever??? Vegan- no cheese? Gluten-free- I would DIE without bread!

But this crazy-diet-ness just slipped into my life slowly and quietly.

I discovered in high school that I have a dairy allergy. Feeling really terrible after every meal is not normal-- surprise! Soy milk (now rice milk) became my best friend as I begin to cut much of the dairy out of my diet. (Didn't completely cut out the mac'n'cheese though-- that stuff is delicious.)

In college I decided to try a raw food fast one fall. And I felt so good that I didn't bother to put meat back in my diet. My skin cleared up. I had more energy. And so I became a loose vegetarian (I cheat with sushi, and out of courtesy I will eat anything served to me at someone's house. After all, I do it for health benefits and not for any moral conviction, so I can be flexible.)

Now, I'm marrying someone with Crohn's. And after doing some research and talking a bit, Nate and I have decided to go gluten-free. The health benefits for Crohn's seem to definitely outweigh any inconvenience. 

So at this point I like to embrace the title of "free-etarian" bestowed on me by a dear friend. I'm a soon-to-be gluten-free almost-vegetarian who eats occasional fish, goat's milk products, some hard cheeses, and eggs for the protein. But as flexible as I am, I'm pretty sure I fall solidly in the crazy-diet category. However, my body is much happier now, so I'm pretty sure it's all worth it.

And, because our bodies are amazing things, I've found that our tastes can change quite dramatically over time. My favorite foods are now mushrooms, avocados, spinach, sweet potatoes, peaches, strawberries, bananas, chevre, and peanut butter. Probably in that order. My six-year-old self would be disgusted. But the healthier food I eat, the more healthy food I crave. As sugar has slowly been cut from my usual foods, I find myself wanting less and less of it. And it's gotten to the point that any meat besides a little fish makes me sick (it's something about not producing the proper enzymes to break down those sorts of proteins any more).

And I've also learned so much more about cooking. I would say I've always been a pretty good cook, but forcing myself out of the routine cuisine I grew up with has forced me to be much more daring and think outside the box. The result has been pretty fantastic so far. I mean, there are recipes I try where the general consensus is that such a thing should never ever be cooked again. But I've learned so much more about flavors and how to combine unexpected ingredients while cooking with fresh, in-season ingredients in a way that's not full of fats and sugars. My body is quite happy for all of this. It does take a bit more time and preparation, but I get more efficient as I go. And I can't wait to keep experimenting-- it's going to be good!

And since Nate and a few other friends have gotten on me to actually write down the recipes for what I make (I don't generally measure things when I cook), for the next few months I'm going to try to post at least one recipe a week. Some of them will be my renditions of recipes I've found around the Internet, and some of them will be my own creations. All of them will be gluten free, vegetarian, relatively healthy, and fairly easy to make (I'm lazy). So come back on Tuesdays for some healthy, easy food!

Supper: Baked Pasta with Roasted Peach Salad

Monday's supper was one of my first experimentations with going gluten-free. After doing some research, we've decided that going gluten-free could provide some worthwhile benefits for Nate's health. And supper turned out delicious (and healthy)!

I used this recipe for Baked Rigatoni with Brussel Sprouts, Figs, and Bleu Cheese, while making my own modifications.

Baked Fusili with Brussel Sprouts, Dates, and Gorgonzola
Ingredients
2 Tbs. olive oil or butter
8 ounces brown rice fusili (found at Trader Joe's)
1 pound Brussels sprouts, roughly chopped
4 ounces Gorgonzola or other bleu cheese, crumbled
1 cup medjool dates, chopped (I had some trouble finding figs, but dates are tasty!)
Salt
Black pepper
1/4 cup chopped toasted walnuts, for garnish

Directions:

1. Heat the oven to 400°.  Grease a 9x13-inch baking pan. Bring a large pot of water to a boil and salt it.
2. Add the pasta and cook it according to the directions (about 6-7 minutes)- be careful! Rice pasta is very easy to overcook. Drain, reserving some of the cooking water.
3. While the pasta is cooking, saute Brussel sprouts in medium skillet with a little bit of oil or butter. Add some garlic or onion powder if desired.   
4. Return pasta to pot and add the Brussel sprouts. Stir in the bleu cheese, figs, the 2 Tbs. oil, and a splash of the cooking water. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, toss, and taste and adjust the seasoning. Turn the pasta mixture into the prepared pan.
5. Bake, checking once or twice and adding a bit more of the cooking water if the pasta looks too dry, until the mixture is bubbling, about 20 minutes. Garnish with chopped walnuts and serve.

Recipe originally adapted from Mark Bittman's Food Matters Cookbook.
 

Roasted Peach Salad with Sweet Balsamic Dressing
(entirely my own creation)

Ingredients:

1 Peach
1 Tbs brown sugar

Several handfuls of Spinach

1 oz. Gorgonzola cheese, crumbled
2 Tbs chopped toasted walnuts

Slice peach into about 12 slices and toss with brown sugar. Roast in oven safe pan at 400 for 20-25 minutes. Remove from oven and let cool. Arrange spinach on each plate. Top with peach slices and crumbled Gorgonzola. Drizzles with dressing and serve.

Dressing:

2 Tbs Balsamic Vinegar

2 tsp Agave syrup or honey

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp dried basil

Salt and pepper to taste

Combine in small dish and mix well.

Hope you enjoy!


All photos by Kara Haberstock, all rights reserved

Why the 28th of June was a good day

Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images via Slate

I'm always a bit hesitant to bring up my own political views on this blog, but they are an important part of my personal experience. Thus I will write about them from time to time. I acknowledge that these are merely my opinions, and I respect your right to disagree with me. All I request is that any discussion this sparks be thoughtful and respectful.

On the 28th of June, the United States Supreme Court ruled 5-4 to uphold the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA), commonly known as "Obamacare," sparking a flurry of responses from commentators, politicians, and other citizens of social media and Internet spheres ranging from despair and anger to joy and elation. I was quietly pleased, but I know many others weren't. Perhaps your views on politics and the role of government diverge from me. Perhaps you already have a job that provides wonderful health insurance. Perhaps you have a major that will guarantee one of those jobs.  Perhaps you are older than twenty-six and health insurance falls at the very bottom of your financial priorities. Perhaps you have no pre-existing health conditions. Perhaps you just honestly despise every piece of legislation proposed by or endorsed by Obama. Really, the reasons for not sharing my reaction are nearly endless, and most of them are fully justifiable.

However, as the events of the last few weeks have unfolded in my life, I have gone from pleased to extraordinarily grateful for the ruling to uphold PPACA. Honestly, this legislation has changed my life for the better in many ways, and without it the events of the last week would have been potentially crippling for the future Nate and I are planning to share. And this is why I felt the need to write this piece. 

But before I delve into my personal experience, I'd like to take a moment to look at what PPACA does. This series of articles by the Christian Science Monitor does an excellent job of explaining what PPACA means for the ordinary citizen in plain English. I'll try my best to hit some of the major points here. Basically, PPACA requires that all citizens must hold some form of health insurance. If someone does not have employer-provided health insurance, they must purchase health insurance from a newly-created health exchange that sells policies to individuals. Those who choose not purchase health insurance must pay a penalty (deemed a tax by the SC). However, in order to prevent undue hardship on those with low incomes (a large portion of the uninsured), federal subsidies will be available to those with incomes that are less than four times the federal poverty level. These subsidies will cap the cost of health insurance for these individuals at a certain percentage of their income (for example, individuals making less than $44,000 per year will not pay more than ten percent of their income towards health insurance).

Simultaneously, PPACA is reshaping the healthcare industry in several other key ways. Young adults may remain on their parents insurance until the age of 26. Insurers may no longer charge women more for health insurance than men. Insurers may not refuse to provide insurance to individuals with pre-existing medical conditions. This last provision is part of the reason why the insurance mandate is necessary- the influx of new healthy customers buying health insurance will offset the risk brought by the influx of new customers with pre-existing conditions.

Back to my life. As most of you know, Nate had a nasty Crohn's flare-up last week, a flare-up severe enough to cause some complications and land him the ER three times and finally in the hospital for a couple days. And suddenly, the benefits of PPACA became extremely clear in my personal life. Nate, being younger than 26, is still on his parents' health insurance plan as allowed by PPACA. The hospital bills, while still expensive, are much more manageable, and we should be able to pay them without falling deeply into debt. His medications are covered by the insurance plans he is currently on, which also means that we can afford them.

Without PPACA, Nate would not currently be allowed to be on his parent's healthcare plan. Fortunately, he does have a job with medical benefits. However, Crohn's disease is considered a pre-existing condition. As such, without PPACA, Nate could easily be denied affordable health insurance or health insurance coverage at all. And without health insurance, the hospital bills from this last week would be astronomically expensive and extremely difficult for us to repay. Compounding this, without health insurance, Nate's current treatment regimen for Crohn's would also be out of our financial reach (with insurance it still costs nearly as much as current rent expenses). And without this treatment, his medical situation would be much worse-- likely leading to more hospital bills-- leading to more debt....I think you can see where this cycle goes.

PPACA also provides benefits for my the rest of my family and I. As a female, before PPACA, I would be charged more for my health insurance than a male in my same situation would be because the state of Arizona is one of 37 states that has not banned gender rating by health insurance plan. (This does not include maternity benefits or costs associated with pregnancy-- this is only for the same basic coverage.) My sister, who is moving to California, would escape this if she stayed in that state (California has banned gender rating). My mother has a rare genetic disorder that, like Crohn's disease, could be considered a pre-existing medical condition. Without PPACA, if my father ever lost his job, she might not be able to find new health insurance.

At this point I must apologize to all healthy males over the age of 26 who now must buy health insurance or pay a penalty-- I am benefitting from the mandate which has imposed this cost on you. So are all the women in this country. And everyone who had a pre-existing medical condition. And everyone under the age of 26. For young people like Nate and I, this legislation makes the difference between lives that are sometimes marked by significant medical expenses to lives beneath a crushing amount of continually accruing debt. It means we can afford the treatment and medications he needs. It means that we don't have to think twice when he needs to receive medical attention. It means that we don't become a drain on the medical system when we can't pay the hospital bills like so many other uninsured people with serious medical conditions.

I suppose this might be selfish of me, but I like living in a country that has passed this sort of legislation. I like living in a country that is moving just a little bit closer to following the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights. I like living in a country that is beginning to end discrimination based on health and gender. Given my experience with loved ones with serious medical conditions and with medical problems in my own life and in the lives of those around me, I see the very real need for health insurance. You never really know what's going to happen (as someone who's been hit by a car more times that she would like to recount, I can fully attest to this). Good health is a blessing that is not guaranteed. I am immensely glad that in this country there is now a way for health insurance to be affordable for everyone and that the Supreme Court has upheld this legislation. So at least from my view, the 28th of June was a good day. 

Musing: All In

Just over a week ago, my favorite blog, A Practical Wedding (note: way more than just a wedding blog)  had a post about the dreaded question: how do you know? As in, how do you really really know if you're ready to get married? And it was open for discussion. As you know from the frequency of my writing on the topic, answering that question has been a bit of a struggle for me. I worry that I'm too young to be making this sort of a decision. I worry that getting married isn't compatible with my career goals. I worry that getting married is letting down my little feminist self that knows her strengths and wants to do big things and who shudders at the thought of being stuck in a house all day (that never turns out well, even with my introverted-ness). And the morning that I read that post, I was incredibly stressed on my second day of a three-day twenty-seven hour work binge to get a crucial but tedious part of my project done, and I was rather upset with Nate due to something he'd said during a phone call that morning. So as I was brooding and trying drum up the willpower to get back to work, I wasn't feeling all that confident in my "knowing-ness." 

The impatient moments of waiting for the plane to finally get moving and get off the ground at the beginning of every commercial flight are always marked by the safety presentation, in which a flight attendant smashes words together in order to speak as quickly as possible while her fellow crew members pantomime uses of seatbelts and oxygen masks with tired gravity. When they reach the part about emergency evacuations, three thoughts generally cross my mind. First, what are the odds that this plane is sufficiently intact following a crash to actually use the fancy doors and slides and such? Second, even if all the doors and slides work, what are the chances that we passengers will be calm and coherent enough to follow all these instructions? Will I actually remember to wait to inflate my life vest until I'm outside the plane? Where are these red pouches you speak of? Third, I know you say to leave everything, but is there anyway that I can grap my laptop? It's kinda my life...

But sitting on a plane bound for Texas on Friday night, when the hyper-speed safety briefing reached the evacuation portion, that third thought suddenly changed. Can I grab my laptop? Who cares-- I've gotta get home.

I'm not saying that being in a relationship or deciding to get married has made my life worth living-- far from it. I was a very happy, fulfilled, adventurous single person, and I'm pretty sure I could have stayed that way for a while had circumstances been a bit different. But this process of moving toward marriage has changed my priorities quite a bit, as it should. After all, in marriage two become one, which means I have more to consider than just my opinion when making even hypothetical decisions such as this.

But let me back up-- there's a very long, difficult week between the moody-wedding-post-reading episode and the laptop-dilemma realization mentioned above. At the end of my too-long, TMJ-inducing, stress-filled weekend, I found out that Nate was in the ER in Tucson due to a Crohn's flare-up. And for the first-time since I've known him, I couldn't be there. It was hard, but I knew that our wonderful friends were taking good care of him, and he seemed better the next morning. Then he ended up back in the ER for a second night in a row, and I started looking up flights and waking up in the middle of the night with somewhat-irrational fears that he could die. I felt guilty for not being there with him and for putting such a burden on our friends who have full-time jobs. But in the morning he said he was feeling better and I felt that finally, things were looking up. At three p.m. on Tuesday a friend called to let me know that Nate had been admitted to UMC because an obstruction had shown up on the CT scan. I sent off a flurry of emails and phone calls and booked the first one-way flight to Tucson the next morning. I worked most of the night before, unable to sleep and trying to get as much done as possible before I left. Deadlines were approaching in a week, but most of my work could be done remotely. But, honestly at that point, it didn't really matter to me that much what my work situation was like. I needed to get home and to that hospital.

The first time I think I ever really came close to "knowing" with Nate was actually on a trip to the ER. It was so frustrating to sit there helplessly holding his hand when he was in such incredible pain, waiting and hoping that a room opened up quickly, but I knew that I never wanted to be anywhere else but right there when something like that happened.I wanted to be there to fight through the incredibly hard, painful parts of life with him. (And he's been there through the difficult, painful parts of life for me thus far.)

And this time, again, being there in the hospital, some questions were cleared up for me. That nagging career v. marriage question? I would choose Nate over my career in a heartbeat. Fortunately, I don't have to: he's very supportive of my career aspirations, and he knows my strengths and wants me to use them. Am I young to be getting married? Yes, according to national averages. But I'm also graduating college at younger age than average, and no one fusses about that. And it makes sense to get married at this age, especially for practical reasons such as health decisions. "Fiancee" is an improvement over "girlfriend" in the hospital, but "wife" will carry much more weight. And regarding my feminist self...APW has some wonderful posts about that. Maybe in time my feelings towards "housewife" will change a bit; maybe that won't. (For the record, I do enjoy cooking and keeping a relatively tidy house because I enjoy having a well-working house and hosting people in my home. I just don't really want to be a full-time housewife.) Either way, feminism is struggle to achieve equal rights for women, part of which includes the right to choose how we will live our lives. So no, getting married does not equal failing or selling out as a feminist. And if getting married isn't selling out or career suicide or a young-stupid-kid mistake, then what arguments do I have left?

A little after twenty-four hours after I arrived at the hospital, we were homebound. The obstruction had kindly resolved itself with the help of some drugs to reduce inflammation and an Ng tube. We spent the last twenty-four hours together quietly while trying to get a few practical things done (wedding planning and apartment hunting). That persistent small fear that this all could happen again the moment I left made it a bit difficult to let him out of my sight (a technological mishap precipitated a walk to his house because I was terrified that something had happened and I couldn't get ahold of him because his phone was dead). As expected, this week's events did not do wonders for my anxiety disorder. And as much as he's promised to not get sick when I'm two states away, life, and especially life with Crohn's, is very uncertain.

In the end, I think I can say that I "know." I know not in the way that says things are going to work out the way I want them too or this is the 100% best possible choice I could be making right now. Love and marriage are inherently risky. There's no guarantees concerning what will happen in our lives. And there's always the possibility of loss. There's no knowing that our lives will turn out just the way we want them too. That's where trust and faith come in. And we are both inherently selfish people who will try our best to get beyond our own self-interest, but many times we will fail. That's where grace and mercy come in. But I do know that, from this point on, I'm all in. The laptop has been demoted. I am choosing to commit the rest of my life to learning to love Nate well, and together we're going to be a pretty awesome team. And I know that I am ready as I'll ever be to make that choice. 

And just to clarify, Crohn's by no means defines our relationship. It's been an unfortunate (but thankfully infrequent) interruption that has sparked some moments of introspection and realization. But most of our time together is happily healthy and mundane- evenings spent working together or lazy weekend afternoons, ventures out to explore a new part of the city or a nights spent in cooking and cleaning afterwards (a regular part of life sans dishwasher). I hope that most of our married life will just be the mundane stuff and the fun adventures. But it's good to know that we can get through the hard times too.